...the testing of your faith
Have you ever seen someone that when you look at them, I mean really look into them, you see someone who appears to barely be holding onto their composure? Someone to whom life has thrown so many lies and false hopes that they are almost visibly skittish? This is how I feel these days.
I have heard it said so many times that it is precisely when you are doing as you should, that things come along to make the journey that much harder. This is meant to be encouragement, but in the midst of the proverbial "truck" hitting you; rolling you over; it feels like a load of bricks has been added to the incident. I have found time and time again that when you step out in faith that God has something to accomplish in and through you, that Satan no doubt will attack full force and take advantage of every ounce of vulnerability that you have stepped out with. This violation is Satan's way of training those who would be faithful, to never step out into the street again...never to wonder what adventures and promises the other side holds.
Ok, this is getting quite metaphorical, but the point being, is the more experience I have in dealing with the ups and downs of life, the harder it is to trust that God really has our best interests at heart. As I learn to wait on His timing to provide for what He has promised, it is so difficult not to worry that the money won't be there when it is needed, worry that no one will be there on the day I just need to fall apart, worry that all that I have done at the expense of my own health and sanity will never be appreciated or count for anything, or that each step of bravery and strength only serves to put me in another, bigger hole.
To some of you who don't know me well, the very act of sharing this is quite unsettling, yet I am not so much a fool to think that some of you have not dealt with or are currently dealing with the very same trap. Perhaps my favorite quote is: "Embrace the Struggle". In the times that I wrestle with maintaining normalacy in life, versus daring to believe and live as though life is precious, and every second is only lived once. That there is a Grand Adventure with my name on it that thrives only outside of comfort, outside of "normal", outside of every expectation that people might have of me, or limit that reason could set. The Adventure that is written only for me, the one that whispers my name in the times that I am quiet, or shouts to me when I am furthest from the Path. The one that nags and nags at my soul when I look around and see so many people living life for no other reason besides that they are stuck in it. When I look into the eyes of a woman who is trapped in a life far from what she imagined, with no view of the person she wanted to be. In the eyes of the man on the street who has been slapped down so many times that he lacks the strength to continue to rise, all dignity and honor wiped clean from his once respected stature.
This is why I continue my journey. It is in the times that seem so lonely that God speaks my story so very loudly and I have but to train my ears to hear it. Who knew that renewal can come in the wilderness? Who knew that it is only my God that can make the Water rush forth from the barren land of rocks and sand? It is only through his continued love and tender care that I know, in the end, I will rise up and look every one of my demons in the face and denounce their influence in my life by the protection of the God who created the very mountains I will be looking down from.
Patience....Trust....Willingness....Letting Go...................these are the monuments I hope to construct along the way.